Computer one-liners

A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.

According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.

A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.

A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.

Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.

Air conditioned environment - Do NOT open Windows!

All computers wait at the same speed.

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

All you need to know is the user interface.

Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Greek for "doesn't work."

Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.

Any program that runs right is obsolete.

A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

A program is never finished until the programmer dies.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.

A user friendly computer first requires a friendly user.

A user will find any interface design intuitive...with enough practice.

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat [Y/N]?

Be aware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.

Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression

Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Greek for "still doesn't work."

BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature.

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.

Buy a Pentium 586/200 so you can reboot faster.

Cannot load Windows 95, Incorrect DOS Version.

COFFEE.EXE Missing---Insert Cup and Press Any Key.

Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.

Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want."

Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying.

Computer programmers do it byte by byte.

Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.

Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them.

Computers are like air-conditioners: both stop working, if you open windows.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.

Computers can never replace human stupidity.

Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.

Computers follow your orders, not your intentions.

A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Crashing is the only thing windows does quickly.

Real programs don't eat cache.

Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?

Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors.

Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

Don't compute and drive; the life you save may be your own.

Don't document the program; program the document.

Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.

Don't let the computer bugs bite!

DOS=HIGH? I knew it was on something!

Meets quality standards: Compiles without errors.

DOS Tip #1: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

DOS Tip #2: Add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

My sister gave up on Computing Dating after she was stood up by two mainframes, a mini, and a laptop.

Email returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it.

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

Error:015: Unable to exit Windows. Try the door.

Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing machine.

Portable: Survives system reboot.

Old mail has arrived.

Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I...

An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.

Kiss your keyboard goodbye!

People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten.

Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.

Every bug you find is the last one.

Every time I type 'win', I loose ...

Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.

.....File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

For any problem there is a solution that is simple, quick, and ultimately worse than the problem.

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Hi, my name is Any Key. Please don't hit me!

Hiroshima..45........Tjernobil..86........Windows..95....

Hit any user to continue.

Home is where the computer is plugged in.

How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file...

I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.

If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?

Any given program will expand to fill available memory.

If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports.

I finally made my stupid computer faster; I dropped it out of the window, and it went really fast.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce today would cost $100, get a million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?

If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.

Breakthrough: It finally booted on the first try.

I have a dream: 1073741824 bytes free.

I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.

I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!

Diagnostics are the programs that run when nothing else will!

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would take many men many months to equal it.

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking.

It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.

If a program is useful, it must be changed.

If a program is useless, it must be documented.

It said "Insert disk 3..." but only 2 fit.

It's not a bug; it's an undocumented feature.

It works! Now if only I could remember what I did...

The less time planning, the more time programming.

I wish life has a scroll back buffer.

The only thing good about "standards" in computer science is that there are so many to choose from.

Keyboard : Instrument used to enter errors into computer.

Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. - D. Gries

Keyboard not connected, press to continue.

MACINTOSH stands for Most Applications Crash If Not The Operating System Hangs.

Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before.

Programming is an art form that fights back.

Programming is an unnatural act.

Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse.

Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(ln(13e))]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]

Disc space, the final frontier!

Controlling complexity is the essence of computer programming. - Kernigan

Melted fruit snacks found on Keyboard. Delete nephew [Y/N]?

MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software is Only for Fools and Teenagers.

Mommy! The cursor's winking at me!

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

Never say "OOPS!" always say "Ah, Interesting!"

No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.

Of course I know how to copy disks. Where's the xerox machine?

One person's error is another person's data.

One picture is worth 128K words.

Operator! Trace this call and tell me where I am.

God is real, unless declared integer.

Owners of digital watches: Your day's are numbered!

Press any key...no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue....

Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.

Programmer's Time-Space Continuum: Programmers continuously space the time.

RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure.

Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

Scheduled Release Date: A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.

Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

Speed Kills! Use Windows 95.

Hackers have kernel knowledge.

System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing.

Tandy - you can buy better, but you can't pay more.

The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

<-------- The information went data way --------->

The name is Baud......, James Baud.

The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.

The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'.

The Queue Principle: The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.

There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.

There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.

I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.

There can never be a computer language in which you cannot write a bad program.

There were computers in Biblical times. Eve had an Apple.

These settings will have no effect until you restart the system.
Reset Universe (Y/N) ?

Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK!

To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

User error: replace user and press any key to continue.

Warning, keyboard not found. Press Enter to continue.

What boots up must come down.

Who's General Failure and why's he reading my disk?

Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Why do they call this a word processor? It's simple, ... you've seen what food processors do to food, right?

Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?

Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

Windows 3.1 not found: (C)heer, (P)arty, (D)ance?

Windows is NOT a virus. Viruses DO something.

WINDOWS stands for Will Install Needless Data On Whole System.

Windows: the ultimate triumph of marketing over technology.

You are making progress if each mistake is a new one.

You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.

You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you'll need that version.

You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!

You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.